Posted on April 12, 2010 by admin

“Self absorption and empathy for others are mutually exclusive.” Donald Blum

In this Tip, we continue our discussion of the fourth component of NVC by looking at what we want when we make a request and how to make a request so it is not perceived as a demand.

According to Dr. Marshall Rosenberg in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, after we express ourselves in terms of our feelings and needs, there are three possible responses we may want: (1) what the listener is feeling, (2) what the listener is thinking, or (3) whether the listener will be willing to take a particular action. It is important for us to clearly identify which response we desire.

This becomes problematic if there is a history of blaming or finding fault. If so, it is more likely that any request will be perceived as a demand- to which the listener will only have two options: to submit or to rebel.

The only way to tell if the statement is a request or a demand is to observe what the speaker does if the listener does not comply with the request. If the speaker takes the lack of compliance as a personal reject and then criticizes or judges the listener, the statement will be heard as a demand rather than a request.

However, if we indicate that we only want others to comply if they can do it willingly, showing empathy toward their needs, then our statement will be heard as a request. This is because a request, by definition, can be refused.

Dr. Rosenberg cautions that “If our objective is only to change people and their behavior or to get our way, then NVC is not an appropriate tool. The process is designed for those of us who would like others to change and respond, but only if they choose to do so willingly and compassionately.” NVC is meant to create relationships based on honesty and empathy, not judgment and coercion.

If we make our requests from a self righteous and judgmental perspective in which the words: should, supposed, deserve, justified, and right play a part, those requests automatically become demands.

Let’s test your ability to identify statements that are clear expressions of requests. Which of the following statements make clear, positive, action-oriented requests?

1. “I want you to care about me.”
2. “I’d like you to tell me one reason why you think I would do well in that job.”
3. “I’d like you to act more serious about this project.”
4. “I’d like you to stop yelling at me.”
5. “I’d like you to let her be herself.”
6. “I’d like you to be honest with me.”
7. “I would like you to stay on the highway.”
8. “I’d like to get to know your parents better.”
9. “I would like you to show respect for my privacy.”
10. “I’d like you to get home early more often.”

In the next Tip, we will discuss the next step in NVC, which is to empathically receive what others are observing, feeling, needing and requesting.

May your learning be sweet.

Tip #315: Nonviolent Communication #6: Take Responsibility for Feelings

Posted on March 22, 2010 by admin

In last week’s Tip, we posed a test of your ability to identify statements that express feelings rather than interpreting other’s feelings or behavior. The statements in bold print are feeling statements. The remaining statements either express: our interpretation of how others feel or behave, our thoughts rather than our feelings, or our feelings with words that are too vague.

1. “I feel you don’t want me here.”
2. “I’m glad that you’re back home.”
3. “I feel angry when you do that.”
4. “When you don’t invite me to dinner with your friends, I feel rejected.”
5. “I’m terrified about the situation.”
6. “You’re infuriating.”
7. “I feel like hugging her.”
8. “I feel misunderstood.”
9. “I feel bad about what he did.”
10.“I’m useless.”

“People are disturbed not by things, but by the view they take of them.” Epictetus

According to Dr. Marshall Rosenberg in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, the third component of Nonviolent Communication requires that we learn how to take responsibility for our feelings.

We do this by acknowledging the root cause of our feelings. What others say or do may be the stimulus for our feelings, but not the cause of our feelings. Our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others say or do, as well as our specific needs and expectations in that situation.

NVC identifies four options for receiving verbal or nonverbal negative messages. We can:

(1) take it personally by hearing blame and criticism. In this case, we accept the
speaker’s judgment and blame ourselves.

(2) blame the speaker. In this case, we often get angry with the speaker.

(3) recognize that our response has to do with our own feelings and needs. In this
case, we become conscious that our feeling is caused by the fact that our needs are not being met.

(4) explore the speaker’s underlying feelings and needs that prompted the message.
In this case, we focus on the speaker rather than our reaction.

Assertiveness training teaches us to accept responsibility for our feelings, rights and needs. NVC takes this one step further by adding that: “We accept responsibility for our feelings, rather than blame other people, by acknowledging our own needs, desires, expectations, values or thoughts.”

For example, when I say, “You hurt my feelings when you didn’t call me back right away, “ I attribute my hurt feelings to the other person’s behavior.
However, when I say, “I was hurt when you didn’t call me back right away, because I really wanted to plan to get together tonight,” I attribute my hurt feelings to my unfulfilled desire to get together.

An important NVC concept is that the more we are able to connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for other to respond in a compassionate manner.

There are three common speech patterns that make it sound as if we are stating how we feel, but actually end up blaming others:

1. Using impersonal pronouns such as it and that. For example, “It really frustrates me when the Internet is slow.” “That worries me.”

2. Using the expression “I feel (an emotion) because… (followed by a person or personal pronoun other than I)”. For example, “I feel sad because you forgot my gift.” “I feel terrified because my landlord has not changed our locks yet.”

3. Using statements that mention only the actions of others. For example, “When you constantly forget my name, I feel badly.” “Grandma is nervous when you don’t come when I call you.”

We can accept responsibility for our feelings rather than blaming the other person if we connect our feeling with our need: “I feel…because I need…” This will convert our previous statements as follows:

1. “I feel frustrated when the Internet is slow because I can’t get my work done on time.”

2. “I feel terrified that my landlord hasn’t changed my locks, because I don’t feel safe.”

3. “Grandma feels nervous when you don’t come when I call you, because I get worried that you might be hurt or in trouble.”

Judgments, criticisms, diagnoses and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions of our own unmet needs. What this means is that if someone says, “You never appreciate me,” they are really saying that their need to be appreciated is not being fulfilled.

When we express our needs indirectly through evaluations and interpretations of other’s behavior, the person at the receiving end is more likely to hear the message as criticism. This starts a negative chain of events, because when someone feels criticized, it is natural for them to become defensive. They then focus their energy on either defending themselves or counterattacking. As a result, we definitely do not get the compassionate response we desire.

The more directly we can connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to respond to us compassionately. Unfortunately, we have not been taught to think in these terms. Instead, we tend to think about what is wrong with other people when our needs aren’t met.

For example, we may complain that our roommates are inconsiderate when they don’t wash their dishes thoroughly. A NVC statement, in which we connect our feelings to our own needs, would be, “I feel disgusted when my roommates don’t wash their dishes thoroughly, because I don’t like eating on dirty dishes.”

According to Marshall Rosenberg, “It has been my experience over and over again that from the moment people begin talking about what they need rather than what’s wrong with one another, the possibility of finding ways to meet everybody’s needs is greatly increased.”

Let’s test your ability to identify statements in which the speaker acknowledges responsibility for his or her feelings. Which of the following statements accept responsibility for feelings rather than blaming someone else?

1. “You insult me when you do not introduce me to your friends.”
2. “I am jealous when you choose to spend time with her instead of me, because I need to feel important in your life.”
3. “I feel delighted when you bring me flowers.”
4. “I’m horrified that you feel that way because I was hoping that we would be able to reach an agreement.”
5. “I feel despondent because you never fulfill your promises.”
6. I’m worried because I thought we would make good time on the road.”
7. “Certain words make me very uncomfortable.”
8. “I feel relieved that you weren’t hurt.”
9. “I feel exhilarated when they shout out my name.”
10. “I am hurt that you did not invite me to your party, because I thought that we were friends.”

If you email your answers to me at dlaurel@laurelandassociates.com with NVC Answers in the subject heading, I will send you a list of the basic human needs that we all share.

In the next Tip, we will continue our discussion of this third component of NVC with a look at basic human needs and the three stages in developing emotional responsibility.

May your learning be sweet.

Tip #314: Nonviolent Communication #5: Express Feelings

Posted on March 15, 2010 by admin

In last week’s Tip, I posed a test of your ability to distinguish observation from evaluation. The statements in bold print are observations only. If the statement leaves you wondering what it means or why it was said, it is probably an evaluation.

1. Julie left our meeting in a huff for no reason. [Evaluation- what does it mean?]
2. Last night Linda knitted a sweater while watching her daughter’s karate lesson.
3. Tori did not listen to my advice at lunch.
4. My mother is a wonderful artist. [Evaluation- why do you say this?]
5. Michell argues too much. [Evaluation-what do you mean?]
6. Zelda is very assertive when faced with conflict. [Evaluation- why do you say this?]
7. Billy was the last one out the door every day last week.
8. My granddaughter often forgets to wash her hands before a meal. [Evaluation- what do you mean?]
9. Anna told me that red isn’t my color.
10. My friend complains when we get together. [Evaluation- what do you mean?]

“We must become acquainted with our emotional household: we must see our feelings as they actually are, not as we assume they are. “ Vernon Howard

According to Dr. Marshall Rosenberg in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, the second component of Nonviolent Communication requires that we learn how to express how we are feeling.

This is difficult, because many of us have been taught to value thinking instead of feeling. As a matter of fact, expressions of feeling in the workplace have typically been considered unprofessional- and expressions of feeling by men in any situation considered evidence of weakness. We tend to spend our energy trying to figure out what other people want rather than how we feel about it, particularly if we are women.

The first step is to distinguish feelings from thoughts. We often use the word feel without actually expressing a feeling. For example, in the sentence, “I feel that I was overlooked for promotion,” the words “I feel” can just as easily be replaced with “I think.”

In general, feelings are not typically expressed when the word feel is followed by:

1. Words such as that, like, and as if:

“I feel that you should think before you act.”
“I feel like I’m falling.”
“I feel as if I can do nothing right.”

2. The pronouns I, you, he, she, they, and it:

“I feel I am waiting for nothing.”
“I feel it is ridiculous.”

3. Names or nouns that refer to people:

“I feel Charles doesn’t care about his family.”
“I feel my employee is procrastinating.”

In fact, we don’t even need to use the word feel when we want to express a feeling. We can simply say, “I’m feeling angry” or even “I’m angry.”

NVC distinguishes between words that express real feelings and those that describe what we think we are.

For example, when I say, “I feel incapable of doing a good job as a parent,” I am evaluating my ability to parent rather than speaking about how that makes me feel.
However, when I say, “I feel anxious about my parenting skills,” I am expressing my actual emotion.

We also need to differentiate between words that describe what we feel and words that describe how we think others react or behave toward us.

For example, when I say, “I feel unworthy in this group of go-getters,” I am really saying that I think the group considers me unworthy. A statement of my actual feeling in this situation might be, “I feel anxious” or “I feel bewildered.”

When I say, “I feel taken for granted,” I am really interpreting the actions of others rather than clearly stating how I feel. A statement of my feeling in this situation might be, “I feel disappointed” or “I feel resentful.”

Words like taken for granted express how we interpret others rather than how we feel.

If we want to express our feelings, we need to use words that refer to specific emotions. If I say, “I feel good about that,” the word good is too general. It could mean happy, excited, relieved, or some other emotion. Words that are vague or general make it difficult for the listener to know what we are really feeling.

Let’s check your ability to identify statements that express feelings rather than thoughts, assessments or interpretations. Which of the following statements express feelings?

If you email your answers to me at dlaurel@laurelandassociates.com with NVC Answers in the subject heading, I will send you two lists to help you build a vocabulary for feelings: how we feel when our needs are being met and how we feel when are needs are not being met.

Next week’s Tip will discuss the third component in Nonviolent Communication, which is to take responsibility for our feelings.

May your learning be sweet.

Tip #311: Nonviolent Communication #2: NVC Defined

Posted on February 22, 2010 by admin

“What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart.” Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.

What is nonviolent, or compassionate, communication (NVC)? According to Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg, in his

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life:

While we may not consider the way we talk to be ‘violent,’ words often lead to hurt and pain, whether for others or ourselves.

NVC guides us in reframing how we express ourselves and hear others. Instead of habitual, automatic reactions, our words become conscious responses based firmly on awareness of what we are perceiving, feeling, and wanting.

We are led to express ourselves with honesty and clarity, while simultaneously paying others a respectful and empathic attention. In any exchange, we come to hear our own deeper needs and those of others.

NVC trains us to observe carefully, and to be able to specify behaviors and conditions that are affecting us. We learn to identify and clearly articulate what we are concretely wanting in any given situation. The form is simple, yet powerfully transformative.

As NVC replaces our old patterns of defending, withdrawing, or attacking in the face of judgment and criticism, we come to perceive ourselves and others, as well as our intentions and relationships, in a new light. Resistance, defensiveness, and violent reactions are minimized.

When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, and needed rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion. Through its emphasis on deep listening- to ourselves as well as to others- NVC fosters respect, attentiveness, and empathy, and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart.

… NVC is more than a process or a language. On a deeper level, it is an ongoing reminder to keep our attention focused on a place where we are more likely to get what we are seeking.

The NVC process has four components:

1. We observe the concrete actions that affect our well-being.
2. We state how we feel in relation to what we observe.
3. We express the needs, values, desires, etc. that create our feelings.
4. We request concrete actions in order to enrich our lives.

When we use the NVC process, we may begin by either expressing ourselves or by empathically receiving these four pieces of information from others.

However, it is possible to experience all four pieces of the process without uttering a single word. The essence of NVC is in our consciousness of the four components, not in the actual words that are exchanged.

Why care about NVC? It can be effectively applied at all levels of communication and in diverse situations, including: intimate relationships, families, school, organizations, counseling relationships, diplomatic and business negotiations, and disputes and conflicts of any nature.

It is so powerful and effective that it now serves as a valuable mediation resource for communities around the world that face violent conflicts and severe ethnic, religious or political tensions, including Israel, the Palestinian Authority, Nigeria, Rwanda, Sierre Leone, etc.

Next week, we will continue our discussion of NVC with a look at communication that blocks compassion.

May your learning be sweet.

Category Archives: NVC

Tip #318: Nonviolent Communication #9: Making Requests Rather Than Demands

Tip #315: Nonviolent Communication #6: Take Responsibility for Feelings

Tip #314: Nonviolent Communication #5: Express Feelings

Tip #311: Nonviolent Communication #2: NVC Defined