Posted on April 19, 2010 by admin

In last week’s Tip, we posed a test of your ability to identify statements that pose clear, positive, action-oriented requests. The statements in bold print are requests rather than demands. The remaining statements do not clearly express a request for a specific action.

1. “I want you to care about me.”

2. “I’d like you to tell me one reason why you think I would do well in that job.“

3. “I’d like you to act more serious about this project.”

4. “I’d like you to stop yelling at me.”

5. “I’d like you to let her be herself.”

6. I’d like you to be honest with me.”

7. “I would like you to stay on the highway.”

8. “I’d like to get to know your parents better.”

9. “I would like you to show respect for my privacy.”

10.”I’d like you to get home early more often.”

Tip #319: Nonviolent Communication #10: Receiving With Empathy

“The key ingredient of empathy is presence: we are wholly present with the other party and what they are experiencing.” Dr. Marshall Rosenberg

In previous Tips, we have explored the four components of honest expression: what we are observing, feeling and needing, and what we would like to request. There is another side to nonviolent communication, which is hearing what others are observing, feeling, needing and requesting.

In Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, Dr. Marshall Rosenberg refers to this aspect of nonviolent communication as “receiving empathically.”

Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are feeling or experiencing. It begins with what many of us have learned as active listening: holding our own thoughts and feelings in abeyance as we listen without judgment to someone else.

This is not easy to do. We are problem solvers. As a result, rather than simply listening, we often want to jump right in with suggestions or advice, or to tell our own stories or feelings.

Holley Humphrey identifies ten common behaviors that prevent us from actively listening: advising, one-upping, educating, consoling, story-telling, shutting down, sympathizing, interrogating, explaining, and correcting.

According to Dr. Rosenberg, “believing we have to ‘fix’ situations and make others feel better prevents us from being present…intellectual understanding of a problem blocks the kind of presence that empathy requires.”

“When we are thinking about people’s words and listening to how they connect to our theories, we are looking at people- we are not with them. [And] while we may choose at times to sympathize with others by feeling their feelings, it’s helpful to be aware that during the moment we are offering sympathy, we are not empathizing.”

In this part of nonviolent communication, no matter what other people say, our job is to only hear what they are (1) observing, (2) feeling, (3) needing, and (4) requesting.

We start this process by paraphrasing what we have heard, to check our understanding. Paraphrasing is a well-known component of active listening. However, it takes a more sophisticated form in nonviolent communication.

First, it is specifically focused on what others are observing, feeling and needing, or requesting. Second, we may need to express our own feelings and needs before we ask for information.

For example:

“Instead of asking someone, “What did I do?” we might say, “I’m frustrated because I’d like to be clearer about what you are referring to. Would you be willing to tell me what I’ve done that leads you to see me in this way?”

Dr. Rosenberg acknowledges that this second step may neither be needed or helpful in some situations, but he strongly recommends reflecting back messages that are emotionally charged.

We may choose to paraphrase and reflect people’s messages back to them if we are unclear about their message- or if we sense that they would like confirmation that their message has been accurately received.

Interestingly enough, Dr. Rosenberg says that paraphrasing tends to save, rather than waste, time. “Studies in labor-management negotiations demonstrate that the time required to reach conflict resolution is cut in half when each negotiator agrees, before responding, to accurately repeat what the previous speaker has said.” !

We will know that a speaker has received sufficient empathy when tension decreases or the flow of words comes to an end. And if we start to feel defensive or unable to give empathy, we need to stop, breathe, and give ourselves empathy- because we can’t give to others what we don’t give to ourselves.

Let’s check if we can recognize verbal expressions of empathy. Keep in mind that:

(1) paraphrasing reflects back what the other person has said, without interpretation or indication of what we think or feel about it; and

(2) we can connect on a deeper level if we receive the feelings and needs being expressed rather than just the thoughts.

Please circle the number in front of each statement in which Person B is responding empathically to what is going on within Person A:

1. Person A: “How could I do something so stupid?”
Person B: “Nobody is perfect; you’re too hard on yourself.”

2. Person A: “If you ask me, we ought to ship all these immigrants back to
where they came from.”
Person B: “Do you really think that would solve anything?”

3. Person A: “You aren’t God!”
Person B: “Are you feeling frustrated because you would like me to admit
that there can be other ways of interpreting this matter?”

4. Person A: “I think that you take me for granted. I wonder how you would
manage without me.”
Person B: “That’s not true! I don’t take you for granted!”

5. Person A: “How could you say a thing like that to me?”
Person B: “Are you feeling hurt because I said this?”

6. Person A: “I’m furious with my husband. He’s never around when I need
him.”
Person B: “You think he should be around more than he is?”

7. Person A: “I’m disgusted with how heavy I’m getting.”
Person B: “Perhaps jogging would help.”

8. Person A: “I’ve been a nervous wreck planning for my daughter’s wedding.
Her fiance’s family is not helping. About every day they
change their minds about the kind of wedding they would like.”

Person B: “So you’re feeling nervous about how to make arrangements and
would appreciate it if your future in-laws could be more
aware of the complications their indecision creates for you?”

9. Person A: “When my relatives come without letting me know ahead of time,
I feel invaded. It reminds me of how my parents used to
disregard my needs and would plan things for me.”

Person B: “I know just how you feel. I used to feel that way, too.”

10.Person A: “I’m disappointed with your performance. I would have liked
your department to double your production last month.”

Person B: “I understand that you are disappointed, but we have had many
absences due to illness.”

In the next Tip, we will discuss the power of empathy.

Tip #318: Nonviolent Communication #9: Making Requests Rather Than Demands

Posted on April 12, 2010 by admin

“Self absorption and empathy for others are mutually exclusive.” Donald Blum

In this Tip, we continue our discussion of the fourth component of NVC by looking at what we want when we make a request and how to make a request so it is not perceived as a demand.

According to Dr. Marshall Rosenberg in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, after we express ourselves in terms of our feelings and needs, there are three possible responses we may want: (1) what the listener is feeling, (2) what the listener is thinking, or (3) whether the listener will be willing to take a particular action. It is important for us to clearly identify which response we desire.

This becomes problematic if there is a history of blaming or finding fault. If so, it is more likely that any request will be perceived as a demand- to which the listener will only have two options: to submit or to rebel.

The only way to tell if the statement is a request or a demand is to observe what the speaker does if the listener does not comply with the request. If the speaker takes the lack of compliance as a personal reject and then criticizes or judges the listener, the statement will be heard as a demand rather than a request.

However, if we indicate that we only want others to comply if they can do it willingly, showing empathy toward their needs, then our statement will be heard as a request. This is because a request, by definition, can be refused.

Dr. Rosenberg cautions that “If our objective is only to change people and their behavior or to get our way, then NVC is not an appropriate tool. The process is designed for those of us who would like others to change and respond, but only if they choose to do so willingly and compassionately.” NVC is meant to create relationships based on honesty and empathy, not judgment and coercion.

If we make our requests from a self righteous and judgmental perspective in which the words: should, supposed, deserve, justified, and right play a part, those requests automatically become demands.

Let’s test your ability to identify statements that are clear expressions of requests. Which of the following statements make clear, positive, action-oriented requests?

1. “I want you to care about me.”
2. “I’d like you to tell me one reason why you think I would do well in that job.”
3. “I’d like you to act more serious about this project.”
4. “I’d like you to stop yelling at me.”
5. “I’d like you to let her be herself.”
6. “I’d like you to be honest with me.”
7. “I would like you to stay on the highway.”
8. “I’d like to get to know your parents better.”
9. “I would like you to show respect for my privacy.”
10. “I’d like you to get home early more often.”

In the next Tip, we will discuss the next step in NVC, which is to empathically receive what others are observing, feeling, needing and requesting.

May your learning be sweet.

Tip #317: Nonviolent Communication #8: What We Request of Others

Posted on April 5, 2010 by admin

“Every moment of your life is infinitely creative and the universe is endlessly bountiful. Just put forth a clear enough request, and everything your heart desires must come to you.” Shakti Gawain

In this Tip, we will begin to discuss the fourth component of NVC, which addresses what we would like to request of others. According to Dr. Marshall Rosenberg in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, “When our needs are not being fulfilled, we follow the expression of what we are observing, feeling, and needing with a specific request: we ask for actions that might fulfill our needs.”

NVC requests are clear, positive, and action oriented.

Clear positive language is important when making requests. Using negative language to tell people what we don’t want can have two major drawbacks. First, they may know what we don’t want but have difficulty identifying what we do want. Second, negative requests are frequently met with resistance because they sound critical of the other person.

NVC requests involve specific concrete actions that others can actually take, rather than vague generalities. If we merely express our feelings, the listener may not have a clear idea what we want that person to do. However, if we state our feelings and needs along with our request, it is more likely to accomplish our desired purpose.
The problem is that we often speak words without any conscious awareness of what we really want.

Dr. Rosenberg believes that “whenever we say something to another person, we are requesting something in return.” It might be empathy and acknowledgment, an honest reaction, or a specific action.

If we want our needs to be met, we have to be very clear about what we want from the other person. We also need to check to make sure that our message is received as it was intended, which requires us to ask for specific feedback.

As anyone who has taught or practiced active listening knows, people can get annoyed, irritated, or even angry when you ask them to repeat back to you what you have just said. So this step has to be handled with tact and diplomacy, stressing that we want to make sure that we have expressed ourselves clearly, rather than if the other person is paying attention.

In the next Tip, we will continue our discussion of the fourth component of NVC by looking at the three possible responses we want when we make a request and how to make a request so it is not perceived as a demand.

May your learning be sweet.

Tip #316: Nonviolent Communication #7: Three Stages to Emotional Liberation

Posted on March 29, 2010 by admin

In last week’s Tip, we posed a test of your ability to identify statements in which the speaker acknowledges responsibility for his or her feelings. The statements in bold print connect the speaker’s feelings to the speaker’s needs. The remaining statements tend to imply that the other person’s behavior is solely responsible for the speaker’s feelings. They don’t indicate the needs or thoughts that are the basis for the speaker’s feelings.

1. “You insult me when you do not introduce me to your friends.”
2. “I am jealous when you choose to spend time with her instead of me, because I need to feel important in your life.”
3. “I feel delighted when you bring me flowers.”
4. “I’m horrified that you feel that way because I was hoping that we would be able to reach an agreement.”
5. “I feel despondent because you never fulfill your promises.”
6. “I’m worried because I thought we would make good time on the road.”
7. “Certain words make me very uncomfortable.”
8. “I feel relieved that you weren’t hurt.”
9. “I feel exhilarated when they shout out my name.”
10. “I am hurt that you did not invite me to your party, because I thought that we were friends.”

Tip #316: Nonviolent Communication #7: Three Stages to Emotional Liberation

“You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have charge of.” Jim Rohn

We all share basic human needs for autonomy, celebration, integrity, interdependence, play, spiritual communion and physical nurturance. According to Dr. Marshall Rosenberg in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, “It has been my experience over and over again that from the moment people begin talking about what they need rather than what’s wrong with one another, the possibility of finding ways to meet everybody’s needs is greatly increased.”

There are three stages we must experience before we can learn how to take responsibility for our feelings.

Stage 1 is “emotional slavery,” in which we believe that we are responsible for other people’s feelings.

In this stage, we think it is our job to keep everyone else happy. We are likely to say, “My partner is so needy and dependent, it’s really stressing out our relationship.” However, the reality is that we are really stressed out by our own sense of obligation in the relationship.

This can be devastating to intimate relationships, because it equates love with the denial of our own needs.

Stage 2 is “the obnoxious stage,” in which we feel angry and no longer want to be responsible for others’ feelings.

In this stage, we are tired of taking care of everyone else and tend to go to the other extreme, saying, “That’s your problem! I’m not responsible for your feelings!”

We know what we are not responsible for, but do not know how to be responsible to others in a way that is not emotionally enslaving. We need to learn that emotional liberation involves more than simply asserting our own needs.

Stage 3 is “emotional liberation,” in which we take full responsibility for our intentions and actions.

In this stage, we respond to the needs of others out of compassion rather than fear, guilt or shame.

“Emotional liberation involves stating clearly what we need in a way that communicates we are equally concerned that the needs of others be fulfilled.”

In the next Tip, we will begin to discuss the fourth component of NVC, which addresses what we would like to request of others.

May your learning be sweet.

Tip #313: Nonviolent Communication #4: Observation Without Evaluation

Posted on March 8, 2010 by admin

“When we combine observation with evaluation, people are apt to hear criticism.” Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.

According to Dr. Marshall Rosenberg in

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life

, the first component of Nonviolent Communication requires that we learn how to observe behavior that affects our sense of well being without evaluating it at the same time.

This does not mean that we must remain completely objective at all times. It just means that we need to keep our observations separate from our evaluations. If we do not keep them separate, our communication will be heard as criticism.

Unfortunately, “for most of us, it is difficult to make observations, especially of people and their behavior, that are free of judgment, criticism, or other forms of analysis.”

For example, we mix evaluation into our observation when we say, “You are too self-critical.” If we want to communicate this observation without evaluation, we might say instead, “When I see you worry about every mistake, I think you are being too self-critical.”

The difference between the first and the second statement is the fact that the speaker takes responsibility for the evaluation in the second statement.

If we say, “Doug procrastinates,” we are using a verb that has an evaluative connotation. We can communicate the same thought without evaluation if we say,
”Doug saves all of his Christmas shopping until Christmas Eve.”

The generalization, “Old people are slow drivers,” is highly evaluative. A more specific observation would be, “No matter what road he is on, my elderly uncle always drives 10 miles below the speed limit.”

We tend to combine evaluation with our observations when we state broad generalizations rather than specific facts and when we offer these statements as if they are the truth rather than simply our opinion.

For example, “If you don’t floss after brushing, you will get gum disease” is an evaluation, while “If you don’t floss after brushing, I worry that you will end up with gum disease” is an observation for which I take ownership because it is just my concern, not an absolute fact.

“Jim is a poor dancer” is an evaluation, while “Jim has stepped on my feet during every dance” is an observation of a specific situation.

“Sue is pretty” is an evaluation while “I like Sue’s looks” is an observation for which I take ownership, since it is just my opinion and not an absolute fact.

By the way, the words: always, never, ever, whenever, at least, etc. can be used to express an observation. For example: “I cannot recall your ever thanking me for my help,” and “I have noticed that whenever Sally eats while watching television, she takes at least an hour to finish her meal” are specific observations.

However, if these same words are used as exaggerations, they combine evaluation with observation and generate defensiveness rather than compassion. For example, the statements: “You are never home” and “He is always unavailable when the real work needs to be done” are both critically evaluative.

Words like frequently and seldom can also contribute to confusing observation with evaluation, because although they sound specific, they really are not. For example, “You seldom agree with me” is an evaluation, while “The last three times I said something, you said the exact opposite” is a more specific observation. “He frequently forgets to call me” is an evaluation, while “He said that he would call me every night last week, but he forgot” is another more specific observation.

In summary, if we want to separate observation from evaluation, we need to make observations that are specific in terms of their time and context.

Let’s test your ability to distinguish observation from evaluation. Which of the following statements do you think is an observation only?

1. Julie left our meeting in a huff for no reason.
2. Last night Linda knitted a sweater while watching her daughter’s karate lesson.
3. Tori did not listen to my advice at lunch.
4. My mother is a wonderful artist.
5. Michell argues too much.
6. Zelda is very assertive when faced with conflict.
7. Billy was the last one out the door every day last week.
8. My granddaughter often forgets to wash her hands before a meal.
9. Anna told me that red isn’t my color.
10. My friend complains when we get together.

If you email your answers to me at dlaurel@laurelandassociates.com with NVC Answers in the subject heading, I will send you a list of NVC Resources.

Next week’s Tip will discuss the second component in Nonviolent Communication, which is to express how we are feeling.

May your learning be sweet.

Tip #312: Nonviolent Communication #3: Blocked Compassion

Posted on March 1, 2010 by admin

“Most of us grew up speaking a language that encourages us to label, compare, demand, and pronounce judgments rather than to be aware of what we are feeling and needing.” Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.

According to Dr. Marshall Rosenberg in

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life,

many of us have learned to use “life-alienating communication” that leads us to speak and behave in ways that injure others and ourselves. It is “life-alienating” because it distracts, distances and deflects both parties from their true feelings and needs. Please note that all quoted material in the paragraphs that follow is taken from Dr. Rosenberg’s book.

Moralistic Judgments. “You’ll never be good enough.”

Judging statements include blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticism, comparisons, and diagnoses. When we cast judgments, “we think and communicate in terms of what is wrong with others for behaving in certain ways or, occasionally, what is wrong with ourselves for not understanding or responding as we would like.”

Moralistic judgments are life-alienating because “our attention is focused on classifying, analyzing, and determining levels of wrongness rather than on what we and others need and are not getting.”

For example, “If my colleague is more concerned about details than I am, he is ‘picky and compulsive.’ On the other hand, if I am more concerned about details than he is, he is ‘sloppy and disorganized.’ ”

When we express our values and needs in terms of judgments, one of two things happens. Either the other person becomes defensive and resistant, or that person gives in because they feel afraid, guilty or ashamed.

“Had we been raised speaking a language that facilitated the expression of compassion, we would have learned to articulate our needs and values directly, rather than to insinuate wrongness when they have not been met. For example, instead of ‘Violence is bad,’ we might say instead, ‘I am fearful of the use of violence to resolve conflicts; I value the resolution of human conflicts through other means.’ ”

Making Comparisons. “No one can ever be too rich or too thin.”

This type of thinking blocks compassion both for ourselves and for others, because someone always falls short in a comparison.

Denial of Responsibility. “The Devil made me do it!”

We deny responsibility for our actions whenever we attribute our actions to external factors, such as:

* Vague, impersonal forces: “I went to work because I had to.”
* Our condition, diagnosis, or personal or psychological history. “I abuse drugs because of my bad childhood.”
* The actions of others: “You made me do that.”
* The dictates of authority: “ I tabled the motion because the major asked me.”
* Group pressure: “I started drinking because all of my friends were doing it.”
* Institutional policies, rules and regulations: “I have to suspend your membership because that’s our policy.”
* Gender roles, social roles, or age roles: “I hate staying up until my teenager comes home, but I do it because I’m a caring parent.”
* Uncontrollable impulses: “I couldn’t help myself.”

When we deny the fact that we have a choice about how we behave, think and feel, we become a danger to ourselves and to others.

Demands. “You better do what I tell you to do.”

A demand explicitly or implicitly threatens listeners with blame or punishment if they fail to comply.

Just Desserts. “You made your bed, now lie in it.”

The concept that certain actions deserve to be rewarded and others deserve to be punished is also associated with life-alienating communication.

When we use life-alienating communication, we evaluate others and ourselves in a critical and damaging fashion.

The first component of Nonviolent Communication requires that we learn how to observe behavior without evaluating it. That will be the focus of next week’s Tip.

May your learning be sweet.